Corn Pops Therapy

Last night I couldn't sleep, again. My brain never seems to be quiet, even when I beg it to shut up! I swear, even when I am not thinking about something specific, there is still a soundtrack playing in my head. As I sit here typing this blog I am required to think, to form sentences and to type them. Even while that necessary thought process is going on, there is still a song playing in my head. It is seriously as if I come with my own built in soundtrack for life. Today's song is "Leave the Pieces" by The Wreckers. At least the song finally changed. For three days, the song "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift has been playing in my head.

This internal soundtrack has nothing to do with MS and everything to do with my sleeplessness. I envy people who can easliy turn their brains off to go to sleep. Mine will not shut off. Even when life is at its best, I still struggle with slowing my thoughts down enough to fall asleep. You pile all this MS junk on top of all the stuff that already frolics in my mind, and well, there's your problem.

After being in bed for an hour last night and realizing that sleep was not going to come, I made my way downstairs to my computer room. There is something comforting about the familiar glare of the monitor. I find solace in the process of editing photographs. It keeps my mind from focusing on all the fear and anxiety that this disease has added to my life. It is a fear and anxiety that I am trying hard not to spread to my children. Even though they are adults, I am and always will be, first and foremost, their mom.

My son spends precious little time sleeping. (At least at night.) He works days and probably sleeps only four or five hours a night during the week. He catches up on the weekends. During this past week I have been very thankful for his sleeping patterns. Last weekend we had what we jokingly refer to as our "pajama party". I got out of the bed at 3:30 and kidnapped him from his room and the two of us sat on the living room floor and chatted until almost 6:30 at which time we each ate a bowl of Corn Pops before heading off to bed. My illness scares him. He thinks me invincible and the thought of anything less is hard for him to deal with. He also spoke some wonderful words of wisdom for one so young. He told me that everything is difficult for me right now because it is all new. He says I will adjust to my new limitations and eventually learn to compensate for them.

Last night, when once again I couldn't sleep he came into the computer room at about 1:30 and asked me if I wanted to have a bowl of Corn Pops. Fast beats my heart... He leaves next week to go away to school. Who will I share Corn Pops therapy with when he is gone?