"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

I really want to be strong about this MS discovery, but once in a while I just have to have a melt down. I am fairly certain it is allowed. Last night I temporarily melted into a puddle, but this morning I am back up and plugging away at it again. Those who love me are still learning to deal with this, same as me. Having me be a crying mess is not something my precious husband is used to seeing and it is probably difficult for him to figure out exactly what to do with me. How can he possibly know when even I don't know what to do with me?

I joined a Yahoo MS support group and one of the women in the group signs her messages with the quote "I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away" That accurately describes how I feel. I feel like my super powers, the things that made me "ME", have been stripped away and that I am no longer the me that I knew. I told my husband on the night I was released from the hospital, that I felt like I went into the hospital as one person and came out as another person entirely. Before MS, I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Now I have to carefully and methodically walk around the perimeter like an ordinary human being, less than an ordinary human being because I don't exactly walk so much as waddle.

I refuse to be ordinary. So this whole MS thing, it's just really not working out for me. I want them to take it back. I want to replay that day, Sept 1, in my mind and change everything about it. I want to sleep late instead of rising early. I want to lay around and eat Bon-Bons all day instead of packing up to go on a photo shoot. I want to yank the words MS out of my doctors mouth and stomp them into the floor. I want to climb up on a step stool with one foot again. I want to be able to dance again! I want to be able to get in my car and go to Target by myself instead of having to drag my reluctant husband along with me. I just want to be me again and this stupid MS won't let me. I have to find a whole new way to define myself. Who wants to do that at 49? I had plans.